HERE IN THE RUINS OF ATLANTA, I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET MUCH INFORMATION ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON ANYWHERE ELSE SO I DON'T KNOW HOW FAR THIS EPIDEMIC HAS SPREAD, BUT AFTER WEEKS OF WORK IN ISOLATION, I CAN ANNOUNCE THAT I MAY HAVE STOPPED IT FROM SPREADING BY SPLICING MY OWN DNA INTO THE VIRUS!
THAT'S RIGHT WORLD, YOU CAN THANK ME FOR SAVING HUMANITY BY ALTERING THE EBOLA VIRUS TO ALMOST COMPLETELY ELIMINATE ITS CAPABILITY TO INFECT A HUMAN BEING. I WAS ABLE TO DO THIS BY CHANNELING THE INFECTIOUS NATURE INTO A SINGLE VERY SPECIFIC SITUATION WHICH SHOULD POSE NO THREAT, AS LONG AS PEOPLE AVOID GETTING ICE WATER DUMPED ON THEIR HEADS.
Read MoreI MAY HAVE SOME LIMITED IMMUNITY TO EBOLA. I HAVE BEEN EATING A LOT OF INFECTED MEAT (DON'T ASK) AND DON'T SEEM TO BE DEVELOPING ANY SYMPTOMS. MY EYES ARE NOT SECRETING SIGNIFICANTLY MORE BLOOD THAN USUAL.
HOWEVER, THIS ONLY SERVES TO MAKE ME A HIGHER VALUE TARGET FOR THE JOINT UNITED NATIONS / SPECIAL FORCES / CHINESE MILITARY OCCUPYING ATLANTA. I HAVE HAD TO RESORT TO BIZARRE AND DESPERATE MEASURES TO STAY ALIVE: 17 HOURS HIDING INSIDE THE CARCASS OF A DEAD ELEPHANT; 6 HOURS INSIDE A GRANDFATHER CLOCK (I REMOVED THE INTERNAL MECHANISMS AND MANUALLY MOVED THE CLOCK HANDS EVERY SECOND TO REDUCE SUSPICION); AND FOR THE LAST TWO DAYS I HAVE STOOD MOTIONLESS IN A MEDICAL FACILITY, DISGUISED AS A HYPODERMIC NEEDLE.
Read MoreWHILE SCROUNGING FOR ADDITIONAL FUNNEL CAKE SOURCES, I STUMBLED UPON THE LATEST THREAT EVOLVING DURING THE PANDEMONIUM OF THE EBOLAOCALYPSE - SIMIAN SNIPERS!!!
LUCKILY, THEY ARE NOT YET EVOLVED ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT SNIPERS NEED SUPPORT PERSONNEL TO PREVENT A STEALTHY ATTACKER FROM COMING UP BEHIND THEM, SNATCHING THE RIFLE AWAY, AND GIVING THEM A BANANA THAT HAS BEEN MARINATED IN NYQUIL.
NOTE TO SELF - REMEMBER TO MARINATE MORE BANANAS IN NYQUIL. I WAS LUCKY THAT I ALREADY HAD A BATCH.
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