HERE IN THE RUINS OF ATLANTA, I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET MUCH INFORMATION ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON ANYWHERE ELSE SO I DON'T KNOW HOW FAR THIS EPIDEMIC HAS SPREAD, BUT AFTER WEEKS OF WORK IN ISOLATION, I CAN ANNOUNCE THAT I MAY HAVE STOPPED IT FROM SPREADING BY SPLICING MY OWN DNA INTO THE VIRUS!
THAT'S RIGHT WORLD, YOU CAN THANK ME FOR SAVING HUMANITY BY ALTERING THE EBOLA VIRUS TO ALMOST COMPLETELY ELIMINATE ITS CAPABILITY TO INFECT A HUMAN BEING. I WAS ABLE TO DO THIS BY CHANNELING THE INFECTIOUS NATURE INTO A SINGLE VERY SPECIFIC SITUATION WHICH SHOULD POSE NO THREAT, AS LONG AS PEOPLE AVOID GETTING ICE WATER DUMPED ON THEIR HEADS.
Read MoreI MAY HAVE SOME LIMITED IMMUNITY TO EBOLA. I HAVE BEEN EATING A LOT OF INFECTED MEAT (DON'T ASK) AND DON'T SEEM TO BE DEVELOPING ANY SYMPTOMS. MY EYES ARE NOT SECRETING SIGNIFICANTLY MORE BLOOD THAN USUAL.
HOWEVER, THIS ONLY SERVES TO MAKE ME A HIGHER VALUE TARGET FOR THE JOINT UNITED NATIONS / SPECIAL FORCES / CHINESE MILITARY OCCUPYING ATLANTA. I HAVE HAD TO RESORT TO BIZARRE AND DESPERATE MEASURES TO STAY ALIVE: 17 HOURS HIDING INSIDE THE CARCASS OF A DEAD ELEPHANT; 6 HOURS INSIDE A GRANDFATHER CLOCK (I REMOVED THE INTERNAL MECHANISMS AND MANUALLY MOVED THE CLOCK HANDS EVERY SECOND TO REDUCE SUSPICION); AND FOR THE LAST TWO DAYS I HAVE STOOD MOTIONLESS IN A MEDICAL FACILITY, DISGUISED AS A HYPODERMIC NEEDLE.
Read MoreWHILE SCROUNGING FOR ADDITIONAL FUNNEL CAKE SOURCES, I STUMBLED UPON THE LATEST THREAT EVOLVING DURING THE PANDEMONIUM OF THE EBOLAOCALYPSE - SIMIAN SNIPERS!!!
LUCKILY, THEY ARE NOT YET EVOLVED ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT SNIPERS NEED SUPPORT PERSONNEL TO PREVENT A STEALTHY ATTACKER FROM COMING UP BEHIND THEM, SNATCHING THE RIFLE AWAY, AND GIVING THEM A BANANA THAT HAS BEEN MARINATED IN NYQUIL.
NOTE TO SELF - REMEMBER TO MARINATE MORE BANANAS IN NYQUIL. I WAS LUCKY THAT I ALREADY HAD A BATCH.
Read MoreMY EXPERIENCES AT THE GATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS HAVE PREPARED ME FOR THE EBOLAOCALYPSE BETTER THAN ANY SURVIVALIST TRAINING. I'VE SPENT THE LAST TWO DAYS HIDING IN A TREE, EATING NOTHING BUT FUNNEL CAKES FROM AN ABANDONED FOOD TRUCK.
WHICH IS FITTING, BECAUSE THE CDC HAS BEGUN WORKING WITH THE FBI, AND HAS NOW OFFICIALLY CLASSIFIED EBOLA AS A JUGGALO.
Read MoreTHE CDC HAS BEEN DEPLOYING THESE TOWERS THROUGHOUT THE SOUTHEAST OVER THE LAST 24 HOURS. IT IS NOT YET CLEAR IF THEY ARE INTENDED TO DISPENSE SOME KIND OF EBOLA FIGHTING ENERGY FIELD OR IF THEY ARE SIMPLY THE LATEST TOOL IN THE FEMA ARSENAL FOR QUICK AND DECISIVE VAPORIZATION OF ANY HUMAN FOOLISH ENOUGH TO ATTEMPT TO TRAVEL WITHOUT THE MANDATORY RFID IMPLANTS
Read MoreAPPARENTLY THE THUNDERSTORMS TODAY WERE ARRANGED BY THE CDC AND FEMA TO ATTEMPT TO HIDE THE FACT THAT EBOLA HAS NOW MUTATED INTO A FIERY DEMON
Read MoreJUST WHEN IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE - THIS MAP SHOWS INFECTIONS, BUT THERE ARE ALSO OVER 9000 TORNADOS BEING CONTROLLED BY THE MILITARY
Read MoreIF SOMEHOW YOUR AREA STILL HASN'T BEEN EXPOSED TO THE RAGING EBOLA EPIDEMIC, START TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN PROPER RESPIRATOR USAGE IMMEDIATELY! DON'T LET THIS BE YOU!!!! ALL OF THE SOUTHEAST IS UNDER COMPLETE MILITARY LOCK DOWN. BUT THERE IS NO WAY TO KEEP IT CONTAINED SINCE IT IS COMMUNICABLE BY PURE THOUGHT!!
Read MoreDOES ANYONE HAVE ANY TIPS ON HOW TO EVADE THE SOLDIERS IN THE MECHANIZED SUITS??!!?!!? IT WASN'T SO BAD YESTERDAY, BUT THERE ARE NOW THOUSANDS OF THEM PATROLLING ATLANTA'S STREETS
Read MoreWHAT REMAINS OF THE CDC HAS ELEVATED THEIR THREAT LEVEL ONCE AGAIN - NOW IT IS LEVEL Q. IT IS NOT ENTIRELY CLEAR WHAT THIS UNPUBLISHED THREAT LEVEL MEANS, BUT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY TRUCKS CARRYING GIANT VATS COULD BE WITNESSED LEAVING THEIR SECURED FACILITY
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